Unprepared

This day finally arrived. I have thought about this day for months and even years. Just over eighteen years to be exact.  The day my boy grows up and leaves home. I knew it would be hard. I tried to prepare myself. I thought about what it would be like to get in the car without him. To walk into the house without him. To set the table without a plate for him. To have family prayer and scripture study without him. I tried to think of all the possible scenarios. In the end, I was unprepared.

We took one last family photo this morning. It may be over 5 years before we are all together in one place again. I want to remember how nice it is to be together.

 Mike and Melanie came over to say goodbye as well. Melanie had other reasons for stopping by but, I'll talk about those later.

 Vanessa was having a hard time saying goodbye to him.

I insisted on one last photo with my three boys together!

Going to the airport was about what I expected. I was actually happy for him. I had finally forced my self to say the words, "I want him to go."

We all followed him to the ticket counter to check his bags. We made sure he had everything he needed.

We followed him to get in the security line. It was there that we had our last hugs and said our final goodbyes. I teared up at that moment. We all stood there awkwardly as we watched him make his way through the security line. After he passed through the metal detector he looked back found me through the crowd, he waved, and smiled. My heart melted. I think he thought we left but we remained and  watched as he put back on his belt and watch. I had a clear view of him across the airport. He put away his security tray, put his bag over his shoulder, and walked around the corner.

I was completely unprepared. I was not prepared for that moment. I didn't know that in an instant he would be gone. He was just standing there a moment before. Then he was gone. I stood there in shock looking at that empty place in the airport. He has just been there. Then he was gone. In an instant. I would not see his face again for 2 years. I thought about taking a picture of the empty space in the airport. I don't need a photo to remind me of it. That place is clearly imprinted in my mind.

When we got in the car, AJ moved to Este's seat. Ethan said, "Our family dynamic just changed" We came home and each headed to a different corner. I laid on the couch and cried.  The house seemed so empty and quiet. Este was not even that noisy, but the house was quiet. It was different.

It was really hard. People deal with hard things. As hard as it really is I keep thinking about my friend whose only daughter just died from a brain tumor.  She was only 9 years old. I know my friend would love to get a weekly email from her daughter explaining how she is doing on her "mission". I have several friends who lost their children suddenly and tragically. They had no preparation. They didn't know it would be the last time they would see their child alive. They had no countdown. They didn't know it was be their last morning together, take a last family photo right before, or to know they needed to cherish every moment. They had no chance to say goodbye 100 times in 100 ways. I also have friends whose sons are not willing or worthy to go on a mission. They ache to see their son leave. When I start feeling that life is hard for me, I think of the people who know real pain.

Life will settle back into a routine. AJ is in drivers ed. Savanah is always practicing the piano or reading her latest book. Vanessa has softball practice all summer. Ethan and AJ go to football conditioning every morning. Aaron has work. I now have to catch up on everything that I pushed aside while getting Este ready for the mission. We need to pack up Este's room so Ethan can move in. All the kids are switching rooms. It is the equivalent of moving half the house.

Sometimes in life we can prepare ourselves for what lies ahead. Sometimes nothing in this world can prepare us for a moment when life changes drastically. The best thing to do is to remember what is really important - live life at it's fullest, enjoy every minute, and learn to keep moving forward. You never know when it may all change in an instant.