This Happened Today

A really good friend of ours was on a business trip to Toronto. His corporate offices are just five minutes away from Esteban's apartment so he took him little gift from us and breakfast.

I'm so jealous Rob got to see him today. I miss Esteban so much!!  I just want to hug him and touch his face and know that he is real. Having said that I am so happy about where he is and what he is doing. I would want him anywhere else.

Unprepared

This day finally arrived. I have thought about this day for months and even years. Just over eighteen years to be exact.  The day my boy grows up and leaves home. I knew it would be hard. I tried to prepare myself. I thought about what it would be like to get in the car without him. To walk into the house without him. To set the table without a plate for him. To have family prayer and scripture study without him. I tried to think of all the possible scenarios. In the end, I was unprepared.

We took one last family photo this morning. It may be over 5 years before we are all together in one place again. I want to remember how nice it is to be together.

 Mike and Melanie came over to say goodbye as well. Melanie had other reasons for stopping by but, I'll talk about those later.

 Vanessa was having a hard time saying goodbye to him.

I insisted on one last photo with my three boys together!

Going to the airport was about what I expected. I was actually happy for him. I had finally forced my self to say the words, "I want him to go."

We all followed him to the ticket counter to check his bags. We made sure he had everything he needed.

We followed him to get in the security line. It was there that we had our last hugs and said our final goodbyes. I teared up at that moment. We all stood there awkwardly as we watched him make his way through the security line. After he passed through the metal detector he looked back found me through the crowd, he waved, and smiled. My heart melted. I think he thought we left but we remained and  watched as he put back on his belt and watch. I had a clear view of him across the airport. He put away his security tray, put his bag over his shoulder, and walked around the corner.

I was completely unprepared. I was not prepared for that moment. I didn't know that in an instant he would be gone. He was just standing there a moment before. Then he was gone. I stood there in shock looking at that empty place in the airport. He has just been there. Then he was gone. In an instant. I would not see his face again for 2 years. I thought about taking a picture of the empty space in the airport. I don't need a photo to remind me of it. That place is clearly imprinted in my mind.

When we got in the car, AJ moved to Este's seat. Ethan said, "Our family dynamic just changed" We came home and each headed to a different corner. I laid on the couch and cried.  The house seemed so empty and quiet. Este was not even that noisy, but the house was quiet. It was different.

It was really hard. People deal with hard things. As hard as it really is I keep thinking about my friend whose only daughter just died from a brain tumor.  She was only 9 years old. I know my friend would love to get a weekly email from her daughter explaining how she is doing on her "mission". I have several friends who lost their children suddenly and tragically. They had no preparation. They didn't know it would be the last time they would see their child alive. They had no countdown. They didn't know it was be their last morning together, take a last family photo right before, or to know they needed to cherish every moment. They had no chance to say goodbye 100 times in 100 ways. I also have friends whose sons are not willing or worthy to go on a mission. They ache to see their son leave. When I start feeling that life is hard for me, I think of the people who know real pain.

Life will settle back into a routine. AJ is in drivers ed. Savanah is always practicing the piano or reading her latest book. Vanessa has softball practice all summer. Ethan and AJ go to football conditioning every morning. Aaron has work. I now have to catch up on everything that I pushed aside while getting Este ready for the mission. We need to pack up Este's room so Ethan can move in. All the kids are switching rooms. It is the equivalent of moving half the house.

Sometimes in life we can prepare ourselves for what lies ahead. Sometimes nothing in this world can prepare us for a moment when life changes drastically. The best thing to do is to remember what is really important - live life at it's fullest, enjoy every minute, and learn to keep moving forward. You never know when it may all change in an instant.

The Beginning of Great Things to Come

For the past few years, and even more so for the past year, I have been dreading the thought of Este leaving on his mission. I know it is the end of having all five of my kids living under my roof. It is the end of his childhood. It is the end of me being "in charge" of my children's life. The end of talking to and interacting with my kids every single day. It is the end of this phase of motherhood. The end.

As I sat in the Dallas Temple with him for the first time this past week. I realized this is not the end, it is the beginning of many great things to come! I was overwhelmed with feelings of gratitude that he is willing and worthy to serve the Lord for the next two years. There is nothing I would rather him do. I will see him again. I will get an email from him every week. I will still be a part of his life even if it is from a distance. In the temple I was overwhelmed with the happiness that comes from raising children in the Gospel. I felt such deep happiness for which I am so grateful.

I had thought about the day I would be in the temple again with Este for the past 18 years. I remember going to the temple every week when I was pregnant with him. Life has changed so much since then. Our family has gone down paths I wasn't even aware of at that time. The Lord has guided us to know where to go and what to do. It all leads back to here.

I am so grateful that my mom was able to be with us in the temple. My mom and I were able to receive special attention for being the missionary mom and grandma. I am so grateful she was there with us on this special day. This will always be one of my favorite photos of my mom.

I know there will be hard times ahead for him and for our family but, that is what the gospel brings: Hope. Hope for a better tomorrow. Hope for a life centered on Jesus Christ. Hope for happiness in a moment that can be hard. Hope for eternity.

For more on this topic read here: President Uchtdorf's talk on Gratitude
For further explanation on why the Temple is so important to my family read here: Temples

Sweet!!

My sister came for a weekend in November. She was here for Esteban's 18th birthday. His birthday was pretty sweet!!

Chabeli gave him a gigantic Reese's.  That is my favorite candybar. Is it wrong to covet your son's birthday present?

Laurann brought a box of football and soccer cookies. They were delicious and almost too pretty to eat. Almost.

 He wanted an ice cream cake. This is his usual request.

Oh, how I love my little boy. He happens to not be so little these days. We gave him a luggage set for his birthday. A sign of things to come. It breaks my heart a little bit.

That weekend the boys had the opportunity to ride in the Veteran's Day parade. There are eight different high schools in our town. Instead of each school having their own homecoming parade they all participate in one big parade. Each marching band, football team, and homecoming royalty had their spot in line at the parade.

My favorite of course, was this royal couple. I loved all the texts I received from friends along the parade route commenting on seeing him. Este later told us how difficult it was to smile for 40 minutes straight. None of us felt sorry for him.

Ethan rode on the float with the varsity football team. They were proud to be playoff bound. Even though he as on the other side of the float, I still managed to get a smile and a photo.

The highlight of the parade for Vanessa was candy. We were told parade participants were not allowed to throw candy from the floats. We thought that meant there would not be any candy at the parade. Well, many participants simply walked the parade route handing our candy and treats. Vanessa "borrowed" my camera bag and was happy as could be. She loves to feed he sweet tooth.

Laurann and I visited downtown and the local popcorn shop.

Aaron took her on a tour of his office and all the products they manufacture. He let her take a few things with her.

Luckily we also paid a visit to our favorite store Sam Moon and she was able to pack everything in her bag going home. Sisters are the best. It is always a treat to have her here.

Sometimes You Just Dance

Before the last game of the regular football season. The parents of the senior football players meet their son out on the field. The football player gives flowers to his mother. It is called Senior Night. For weeks leading up to it, I dreaded the thought of it. Those close to me will testify that I am struggling with the fact that my boys are growing up and will soon be leaving home. The thought of it makes tears well up in my eyes every time I think about it.

So it was no suprise that as we waited on the sidelines to meet our boy, I started to get choked up. I knew I had to hold it together. I didn't want to cry in front of the crowd. I didn't want to be "that mom". As I waited, I tried biting my lip. That didn't help. It only made my lip hurt. 

Then, I noticed the lady standing directly behind us. She was dancing a little jig to a song in her head. She had a smile on her face. She looked happy. I looked and felt miserable. She too was waiting to meet her son on the field. She is a single mom. Her son is her only child. Her heart was breaking just like mine. She told me she was struggling to not cry so she started to dance. I envied her. I learned from her. Talking with her while we waited for our boys made the whole thing bearable. She taught me that sometimes in life you just have to dance. 

Here are the photos of the occasion.

Be still my heart. Cue the music.....

Play On!

Esteban missed a total of four football games. His team lost every game. They had several starters also injured and faced a couple of really tough teams. Este hated watching from the sideline. With a few weeks he started the progression steps needed in order to return to sport. His seminary teacher/sports med doctor held him to the same standards they use for professional athletes to return to the sport. I was grateful that he was in such good hands through the process.

We are grateful that his injury was not worse. We are grateful for all the prayers offered on our family’s behalf. I was amazed by the number of people who let me know that they were praying for Esteban. They told me they put his name on prayer lists at their various churches. They had prayer warriors praying for him. Although our beliefs may be different in some ways, we have faith in God and His willingness to bless those in need. It was a humbling experience and helped me appreciate living inside the Bible belt.

I have had several people ask me how I feel about my boys playing football after Este’s injury. I don’t have an answer for them. I know more than ever the risk involved in the sport. I understand the violent nature of the sport. Yet, I also enjoy watching the game. These boys are so fun to watch. They are cute kids and I have enjoyed getting to know them and their families better.

Here are a few highlights of Este's season.

Photography credits go to Victor Diaz, the professional photographer for the Varsity football team

Some Things Never Change

As a new parent, I often found myself quietly walking into the baby’s bedroom just to watch their chest rise and fall. I hadn’t heard a peep from the baby in the hours since I put them to sleep. I merely wanted to make sure the baby was still breathing. The night after Este's concussion both Aaron and I went in to check on him. It is even more interesting to check on your baby boy who is almost 18 years old. I was watching my baby who happens to be the size of a man. It doesn't matter. He will always be my baby boy. Some things never change.

Aaron and I were both anxious the night we returned from the ER. The doctors told us since the CT scans and x-rays were clear we did not need to wake him up throughout the night. That didn’t help us sleep any better though. We were still concerned about our baby.

Esteban’s early morning seminary teacher is an orthopedic surgeon and sports medicine doctor. We visited him in his office the next morning.  That is when I discovered that Este has never watched The Price is Right. I grew up on that show.

Anyway, before the appointment, Aaron and I were more worried about his back and less worried about his concussion. We were wrong. The back injury was only a muscle strain. It would heal quickly. The concussion, however, was very serious. He had suffered a stage 3 concussion. It is one of the worst. Este’s concussion was in the top 5% of bad concussions. There could be ramifications that would affect the rest of his life. If he returned to the football field before he was completely healed and had another hit of equal impact, he could die instantly. It is called second hit syndrome.

Este struggled to remember and recall information. Memorizing while recovering from this injury would be damaging to his brain. Esteban has worked to maintain straight A’s throughout his school life.  Academics come easy to him. He was in the middle of applying for academic scholarships all over the country. It all had to come to a halt until he recovered. His brain was functioning at less than 50% of normal. He was struggling to remember simple facts.  We emailed his school counselor, who in turn emailed all his teachers. He would be allowed to come and go to school as he felt up to it. He was not to take any quizzes or tests until he was better. He would be given special treatment as long as needed.

The doctor asked Este what his favorite TV show was. Este explained that he didn’t have time to watch TV. The doctor explained him that his life just changed. He was ordered to watch TV or play mindless video games. He needed to rest and he needed to let his brain rest.

That sounds easy enough. The problem is we had scheduled painters to repaint our house.  As Este tried to rest and relax and as people came over to visit him, they were greeted by a great big mess.

Coaches, friends, neighbors, and family tromped over the drop clothes and past the open cans of paint  to visit Este. The outpouring of love and concern was overwhelming. It was amazing to see all the people who were worried about him.  Jace drew a wonderful get well soon card for Este. Jace's smile was big enough for the both of them.

Ethan later asked if it was hard for me to hear about how damaging and serious the concussion could be. He asked if it was hard to hear that my son could die. I told Ethan that the hardest thing for me was when I first saw him. Ethan had been on the field that day in practice. He did not see the hit but he saw Este laying there unconscious. He saw the seizure. Ethan thought he was going to watch his brother die that day. It really shook him up. He held it together since he is a big strong teenage boy and he was with his football friends and teammates but I could see the concern and fear in his eyes and that was the hardest part of this whole ordeal.

I love watching my boys grow up. I enjoy being with them and deep down inside I even enjoy it when they give me a hard time and tease me. The thing is no matter how big they get, they are all three taller than me now, they will always be my little boys. I will always be concerned about their welfare. I don’t want to see them sick or injured. I will always recognize fear and sadness in their face. I will always be their mother. Like I said, some things never change.

Roller Coaster

You know when life seems to be going up and then before you know it, life is headed back down. Life is a roller coaster, compete with a variety of twists and turns ups and downs.

Just a few days after Este was receiving attention for being crowned Homecoming King, he was receiving a attention for a very different reason.

During football practice early in the next week he tackled a kid at full speed. Este went in to the tackle with his head down. His head collided with the kid's thigh pad. Este felt the impact run down his neck and into his back. He went down. The next thing he remembers is waking up from a dream and being confused as to why his coach was in his face asking if he was ok. He remembered what happened and moved his feet just to make sure he still could. The coaches wanted to call the ambulance but Este told them he could get up and walk. They escorted him to the trainer's room.

The coaches called Aaron and I to come to the school immediately. Upon arrival they filled us in on the events. His vital signs were good at that time but we all knew he needed to be evaluated by a doctor. He didn't want to go to the emergency room in his football pads so the trainer took him into the locker room to help him change. At that point it became obvious that he was having difficulty breathing. He was struggling for air and had difficulty talking. His breathes were labored and shallow. The trainer brought him back into the training room with the rest of his pads still on. We faced the decision of calling the ambulance or transporting him ourselves to the emergency room. Aaron's response was, "I grew up on a farm where we yanked people off the barbed wire fence, threw them in the back of the car, and drove them to the hospital." My response was "My dad is the emergency manager and ambulance supervisor in my hometown." The trainer smiled and told us we had to decide. Because his vital signs were still fairly stable, our compromise was that I would drive Este to a free standing ER just a few minutes away. If his condition became worse or the doctor's felt he needed more than they would transfer him to the hospital. We left immediately. He was still dressed in his football pads, had no shoes on, and still had grass on his face from the hit. I told Este I would be fine to take him but he would have to warn me if he felt like he was going to pass out again because so much smaller than him I needed ample warning if I had to catch him on the way down.

When we arrived at the ER they immediately put a C-collar on him, started an IV, and ordered CT Scan and chest x-rays. We waited.

The room was FREEZING!! They brought Este a warm blanket  because his sweat had made him wet and he was shivering. I didn't know how to ask for a warm blanket for me since I wasn't a patient. I thought about crawling next to Este and sharing his blanket but, he smelled really bad. I decided the smell was worse than the cold temps. I endured it on my own.

The x-rays and CT scan came back clear. No damage done to his neck and back. The diagnosis was a concussion and back sprain. We needed to follow up with our doctor. He was supposed to miss school the next day and just take it easy. This photo was posted online by one of his friends asking the school to come together in prayer on Este's behalf. Although we may differ in our beliefs, we do not differ in our faith in God.  I was so very grateful for each and every person who prayed on his behalf. It's important that we all strive to help each other on this roller coaster we call life.

Who Would Imagine a King

This song has been stuck in my head lately. Aaron started playing it for Este last week. Este hates it!

This part of the song is what keeps going through my head.....

Mommies and daddies always believe
That their little angels are special indeed
And you could grow up to be anything
But who would imagine a king?

You may ask, why this song?

It all started a few weeks earlier when I found out that he was one of the five finalists to be nominated for Homecoming King. I knew before he even returned home from school. News travels fast even in the city. A few days later he made it to the final three nominations.

On the Wednesday of Homecoming week the high school hosts a Community Pep Rally where they present the nominations for Homecoming Royalty. Each nominee is escorted out on the football field by a parent. I was quite stressed deciding which dress to wear and even more stressed about the shoes. I did not even want to attempt to wear heels on the turf and my wedges were all the wrong colors. At last I decided to wear my flat shoes and show the world how much taller my little boy is than me. I bought him a new shirt and tie to match my dress because, let's face it this was all about me. (Haha. I am joking there.)

I escorted him out of the football helmet tunnel. It would be a dream come true for my nephew Jace, who thinks the tunnel is the coolest thing ever!

I smiled like a beauty queen. He did not.

We were lined up with the other members of the Homecoming Court in front of the crowd.

I was grateful for one of the art student that captured this photo of us together. It is one of my favorite photos of all time.

Another photo that I love from that night was this one. I know we are not posing for the camera, but that is what I love about it. He will be gone soon and therefore I cherish every photo that we are both present in. 

For the presentation ceremony, Este had to write three things about himself that he wanted to be announced as he I escorted him on the field. First, Este is captain of the soccer team. He was all district and all academic district last season. Second, he has maintained straight A's throughout high school. Third, upon graduation he will serve a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. The crowd roared.

After the nominees were presented, the entire school voted for Homecoming King and Queen the next day. Both Ethan and AJ told everyone in their class to vote for their brother. Este, however, voted for his friend. He hates being the center of attention and thought his friend deserved the title more than he did.

The announcement  and crowning took place during halftime of the Homecoming football game. He escorted Chelsea on the field. I feel bad for poor Chelsea. I am sure he was nasty sweaty and stinky. That didn't stop her from smiling. She is such a cute girl. I totally would have voted for her had they allowed parents and spectators to vote.

 Este was so suprised when they called his name. The studentbody had voted him Homecoming King.

Chelsea was voted Homecoming Queen.

Este was there to play a football game and handed off the crown as soon as he could and replaced it with his helmet. He is a football player first and foremost.

The royal couple even made it on the front page of the newspaper.

I will admit that my favorite picture of the royal couple was this one that Vanessa drew.

I kept thinking back to a year ago. Back then Este didn't know any girls to ask out to the Homecoming dance. He decided not to play football because he didn't know how he would fit into the team and wanted to focus on academics. He sat by himself at lunch that first week of school because he didn't know a single soul in the cafeteria. I told him to hang in there, that things would get better. I reminded him that the Lord brought us here for a reason. I promised that if he remained true to himself and was nice to people, good things would happen.  A year ago, none of us would have imagined him a king. I guess you could say that things did get better.